1. Squeezing the toothpaste from the middle: I do not understand why anyone thinks it’s cool to squeeze the tube of toothpaste from the middle. Where are your manners? Why do you want an ugly looking toothpaste tube on your bathroom sink?
2. Peeing on the side of the road: As far as I know, I’ve had this pet peeve since I was like 3 years old. Let me tell you a little story about this. According to my mama, when she was pregnant with my brother, she asked me if I wanted a boy or a girl. I said girl (duh). She asked me why and I said I didn’t want a boy because boys peed all over the place. As I grew older, I saw men casually whip out their dingdongs and do their business in public. I cannot fully describe to you how much I detest this. Women are not exempted from this either. Still can’t understand why a woman with complete lady parts thinks it’s okay to stand in a gutter with her legs apart and pee. In the words of Luvvie Ajayi, I’m judging you.
3. People who fail to show gratitude: Life is hard, I believe we’ve already established this. We’re all battling our various demons and on some days we triumph. Some of us care enough to give our time and resources with friends, family, and even acquaintances. In this hard world we live in, the least you can do when someone extends is say a simple word of gratitude. Thanks. Thank you. I appreciate this. You made my day. Being grateful will not make you lose your edges. This problem of ingratitude, I believe, comes from a place of entitlement. Here’s the thing though, you’re not exactly entitled to anything from anyone. Whether it’s your brother or sister, be grateful.
4. Invading my personal space: Some people can’t help but touch you and whisper really close into your ear and tap you at every chance they get. This is especially weird to me when we don’t even know each other like that. Even when I can’t stand it and I point it out, the person looks at me like I’m crazy. I remember telling someone not to touch me while he was speaking and he got mad. Talking about wetin dey your body. Nothing dey but please don’t touch me. Don’t touch me, don’t share your germs with me, don’t breathe your hot fish laced breath down my neck. Thanks and God bless.
5. People who always have something to say about everything: I can’t be the only one who hates a smart ass. You know, the person who’s willing to tell you how you’re doing everything wrong and why you’re where you are in life and why your parents have problems and why all religion is bad and how heaven is just an illusion. This person will go out of his/her way to make you feel like a simpleton, and he/she will do so with all the condescension of his/her ancestors. If this particular smart ass is a friend, I try to be as nice as possible in telling them off. You don’t know my life and my struggle. You’re not that smart either. Where’s your best seller, or the cure to cancer, or the space ship you sent to Mars, or the complete annihilation of all the world’s cockroaches? Why, pray tell, haven’t you found a means for me to download food online if you’re so smart? Do you boo, and leave me out of your know-it-all-ness.
6. Children who think it’s cute to be rude and badly behaved in public: Okay this totally drives me mad. Who is your momma? Where is your daddy? How dare you think it’s cute to hit your mum in public or use bad words at her? Also, I get we’re trying to do better and not beat kids but I really am tired of seeing these beautiful babies act crazy in public just because they know their parents won’t do anything. They leave their poor mum’s with those smiles of embarrassment and awkwardness. Sometimes I have to breathe and hold my tongue and remind myself that the kid is not mine. There’s nothing cute about a badly behaved kid. Nothing.
7. People who chew with their mouths open: I’m not gonna talk too much about this. I think we can all agree that this is all levels of gross.
8. Kings and Queens of backwash: As with those who chew with their mouths open, do not share drinks with these humans. Repeat, do not share.
9. Name droppers: “Oh you know Tiwa Savage? Yeah. I’m friends with her assistant’s cousin”. Name droppers are the worst. They aim to impress you but in reality all they do is upset you. Half of the time, you’re not even asking a name dropper if they know anyone. However, they are quick to tell you how this senator’s child is their friend and how they sat beside Genevieve Nnaji at an event and now she follows them on twitter. They want you to know how their step mother is friends with this designer or that actress. No one likes a name dropper boo, stop it.
10. Back seat drivers: Lastly, my personal favourite, the backseat driver. My number one backseat driver is my sister. She’s constantly yelling and throwing me off and I end up making mistakes I usually won’t make. If you’re a back seat driver, stop. Just stop. Backseat drivers irk me more when they don’t even know how to drive. Excuse me, where’s your driver’s license and why the hell are you telling me what to do? Spread your seat belt across your mouth and let me drive, biko.